With the mind, the vessel follows

I have determined that when the mind is in a state of peace, the body follows. This logic would have one follow that if the mind is in a state of turmoil, the body will copy.

My mind needs to settle this grappling match so that my body can be my temple again.

Back to meditation and morning runs.

Are you there God? It's me, Shelly.

I am so confident in God. I have no doubt that he is there. I know Jesus existed. But was his message lost in translation?

I feel I need to clarify something out loud. I am a Catholic by most standards. I believe in God, the Holy Spirit and all of the angels and saints. I believe that God sent Jesus to spread the word of the lord. But i feel as though he is the son of God and may not be God. Perhaps, God is within or a part us all and That! is the message.

Jesus' message, as i was told in CCD, is that we are all sons and daughters of God. Jesus also wanted to spread the word of a kind and loving Father instead of a vengeful and wrathful God. Finally, he really started pushing the whole lamb of God thing. He knew that the new Judaism that he was preaching was going to get him killed and he was willing to be the ultimate sacrifice to get the message out. I believe all of that.

What I want to figure out in my journey is if this (what i wrote above) is what really happened or did Jesus really think that he was a Divinity and did he think he was God. Did Jesus ever say, "I am God?" or has this been submitted into the bible as a translator error (similar to the submission of the Story of the Good Samaritan)?

Let's just say so and pretend it happened.

I am now knowledgeable in Judaism, Christianity (as a whole) and Islam.... kinda.

Judaism believes in one God who is never beginning or ending. His power is unfathomable. BUT, God is a singularity and isn't divided into three or amongst everything or everyone. On the subject of Jesus. The Jews believe that Jesus was just a rabbi gone rouge. His message was mixed up and in the ensuing centuries people took his message literally and mistook him for the Divine. After death, the Jews believe in heaven and hell but nothing really agrees on how EXACTLY to get there (Unlike the Catholic faiths where you follow specific rules).

Christianity says that the Jews were onto something. The old testament is true, but now Jesus adds another layer to monotheism. God is divided into three parts: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Now, Jesus tells us that God is loving and fills everyone with the Holy Spirit (which is one of God's parts). Essentially, God is in everyone human being but so is free will. Through life we must choose our actions carefully because we will be judged at the end of day. In the afterlife, we sit in purgatory and make up for our sins. Then we get to go to heaven. People who are truly not sorry for their sins will go to hell.

Islam says that the Jews were onto something then Jesus came as a prophet and then the Christians screwed up. Here, they believe that the Torah (the books of Adam and Abraham) were the beginning message from God. Then Jesus came as a one of many other prophets with another message from God. His message was misconstrued and people mistook him as being part of God. This was blasphemous and so God sent Mohammad. Mohammad wrote down messages from God during most of his adult life. Then he died. Now, Islam treats him like Christians treat Jesus. But, he is not God or a part of God. Muslims are just really, really, into him. To be a Muslim, you must only acknowledge that there is only one God and that Mohammad was his prophet. Then you must follow a moral code of conduct given to Mohammad that explains what is mandatory, accepted but not mandatory, not a good idea and what is band. THEN, you must mind the call to prayer 5 times a day, but only men must go to Church for the afternoon call to prayer on Fridays. THEN, you must make a pilgrimage to Mecca once in your life if you can afford it. But don't worry, if you can't afford it, you're OK. foreign to us. When you die, you go to heaven or hell but there is no purgatory for making up your sins.

How has my faith changed in learning all of this?

I am not Jewish and I am not Christian and I am not Muslim, mostly. I think the Torah is a book of prophets' experiences with God. Then they orally told people these stories for centuries and in the game of telephone, stories got out of hand. Then Jesus came about and the same thing happened with his stories. But, they weren't as outrageous since they were written down maybe 50 years+ after his death. But then figure in the translation from Aramaic to Greek to German to English and we might have changed a few words. Then Mohammad came along and he wrote his own story down (Thank God), but then most of his writing didn't include ALL of today's issues so for the last 1600 years Scholars and Scribes have been decoding and analyzing Mohammed's writings and trying to make them fit today's issues. Kinda like fitting a 1600 year old square wooden peg into a brand new titanium round hole.

If anything I have seen the flaws of modern religions. The biggest flaw is that these religions are based on other people's experiences. We have taken these experiences and made them so generic they have lost their holy flavor. I mean, Moses was given the Ten Commandments and the Talmud (oral commandments) and we just see these as options just because we "accept Jesus Christ as our lord and Savior?" That's not how it's supposed to happen. All religions have a basic code of conduct and morals. Every religion has a basic understanding that you should be nice, not kill or steal and help out your fellow man. So, why aren't we living this way? We are always scheming or angry with something. We don't know our neighbors. We don't volunteer or give to charity (other than when we annually clean out our closet). We don't have gatherings and celebrate unity in life. Instead, we're always angry with someone from work or someone who cut us off in traffic. We become hermits so we don't have to wave at the neighbor driving by. We keep that dollar at the grocery store because "I don't have Muscular Dystrophy." And on the weekends, we go out and get wasted so we can escape our hermit, self-loathing, pathetic lives. When we live like this, it's no wonder why people have forgotten reigion.

Here's the solution:

1.Be a good person. Say "hi" to your neighbor and maybe learn their name.

2. Start your own conversation with God. He might not speak loud enough at first, but be patient and listen harder.

3. Be nice to people you don't know. If someone speeds up next to you on the freeway and you know they are going to get in front of you, let them. You knew they were going to anyways. WHY are you upset about that 1/6 second gap?

4. Give a dollar at the grocery store or run a charity race or drop off canned goods at any catholic church or give a dollar to the homeless guy on the corner even if you don't believe he's homeless or buy some dog food for the kennel. Just do something more than giving out your nasty ass clothes that you, let alone anyone else with style, really wants.

5. Laugh. Meet up with friends and talk, gossip, and tell them that you love them. You don't have to spend money on a lavish dinner, maybe a pot-luck would do. Maybe a trip to the theater or a dog pound or just hang out.

6. Be nice to animals and the world around you. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a dog running around with you? They have pure joy and love for you! Now, have you ever stepped on a dog's foot when you didn't see them behind you? It's total pain but they still love you. The point is, every animal can feel emotion. Why not give them happiness? Eventually, your cold miniature heart will grow back and you will feel good for doing so. And, more than likely, you'll do good deeds and not realize it but on the flip side, you'll always feel good just from doing good deeds!

My afterlife: I don't know what to expect but if you are a good person, regardless of whether I believe that Jesus is part of a three part God or if I believe that Mohammad was a prophet, I'll go to heaven. Because God wants to love me, wants to love through me, and wants to be loved by me.

Side note on Islam. I like this religion (I don't understand the fantatical side of it). Think of them as the first Protestants who have their own prophet. I think the biggest hang up that the West has about Islam is that it's in a different language. I mean, Christianity has all traditional European names and you go to Europe to visit a holy place. Islam is so ethnic and you have to learn to pronounce these flemmy phrases and these names are so ... different.

But the reason why everyone in the Muslim world has the same name is because the first born has to be named after someone religious like Mohammad, Fatima, or Allah (Al-?). Simple as that.

The internet really can tell you everything.

Thanks to my beautiful friend Breann, and Google, i was sent to the website Beliefnet.com. Here is searched for Belief-o-matic. This quiz is a series of question that asks what you believe. Based on your answers and your rake of importance for that specific field of question, you are given a summary of religions that most fit your belief system. That being said, i had a surprisingly hard time taking this quiz because there is so much I don't know about what I believe. Reading these questions, I want to think, "Yes, I go to heaven and hell doesn't exist." But God hasn't revealed that to me yet. So, I answered to the best of my ability or, as I see it, I threw a dart in the dark and hoped that I picked correct.

Here is my outcome:

"The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1.	Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.	Unitarian Universalism (99%)
3.	Liberal Quakers (98%)
4.	Baha'i Faith (97%)
5.	Reform Judaism (97%)
6.	New Age (87%)
7.	Sikhism (84%)
8.	Orthodox Judaism (84%)
9.	Hinduism (80%)
10.	Mahayana Buddhism (77%)
11.	Islam (76%)
12.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
13.	Jainism (75%)
14.	Scientology (65%)
15.	New Thought (63%)
16.	Theravada Buddhism (59%)
17.	Orthodox Quaker (54%)
18.	Secular Humanism (49%)
19.	Eastern Orthodox (45%)
20.	Roman Catholic (45%)
21.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (43%)
22.	Seventh Day Adventist (42%)
23.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (41%)
24.	Taoism (39%)
25.	Nontheist (27%)
26.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (26%)
	Jehovah's Witness (26%)" I don't know what to take away from this except, I'm not Mormon or Jehovah's witness but I could have told you that before. Basically, I can tell you, If the religion tells me that i have to believe that Jesus is my Savior, I out.

Telephone and retelling a bad joke

I never had a quest for God, a higher Devine. There is no question about it. There exists a higher power! The creator of the molecule that caused the Big Bang, the God that talks with people through their own psyche. As of last night, my quest for a religion has changed. Last night, I came to the full realization that the Bible is a book of other people's account with God. Here's the problem. In our limited understanding of God, us humans have tried to come up with a definition of him. We read the bible and take these accounts as how it really happened! Well guess what, They aren't even close to what happened. What happened when Abraham talked with God was more powerful and soul crushing than those words that we can read. It's like retelling a joke and we've all fucked up the punch line. God is more than your box that you put him in and when you label him as Magnificent and Timeless, you limit what he can do for you. God is everything and more. The only word that I have been able to read as of late that truly describes him is "Devine" but that works for ME and might not for you. Because to me devine has a connotation and brings with it a picture in my mind's eye of what I experience with God.

So where am I now? Cleansed!

Where to now? I am still in my search for religion. I have this feeling that each religion has it's own piece to the puzzle. Catholics have the angles and saints. Jews have an all encompassing God. Hindus have Chakras. Buddhists have Meditation. Each of these are important for ME (and maybe only me), to find God, the way he wants to reveal himself to me. So, what has begun as my search for truth about Jesus, has become my experience for God to come to me and tell me, this isn't about him, it's about you and me. The analytical person inside of my mind will still be on a search for religion and Jesus (man or myth) just because I need something to do during Jake's nap times. I want to fill myself with all things faith. I have a thirst for seeking more of the devine. But, don't worry friend, I am not going to be on the street saying Jesus loves you. I'm not going to ask you If you've found Peace with God. When you are ready, he will show you. That is your journey with him. Just as my relationship with him doesn't come from waking up Gabe's soul to talk to me or finding out who Jesus was; one's relationship with the Devine consists of You and That Voice.

On a good note, my Vishuddha is open and my mind is wise.

In another life, we were friends.

Meditation and prayer are powerful things. Hand in hand they can feel like a boa constrictor grabbing onto your spine and then squeezing all of the self hate out of you like a tube of tooth paste.

That is where I was tonight. I am not going to sit here and tell you about my talk with God or him bitch slapping me and bringing me to the brink. I will tell you that, I meditated and forgave everyone in my past for their past but I could not forgive myself. Why was that happening? I was so upset with my "pathetic asshole" self so i read my book. If i could re-title this book, "Shelly at Thirty from three years ago" I would. Well, "Shelly" meditates. She got her answer and talked about it. I skipped her montage about her walk with God because I don't want her's! I want mine. I put the book down, determined to talk with Gabe through meditation. Instead, God answered me:

"Gabe's dreaming. What do you want?"

" I need to forgive myself. I have an ache in my heart and I want to hear Gabe tell me that I'm ok."

"I love you. You know that"

"I know. I know that Gabe loves me and my friends love me but I can't love myself."

" But I love you. I am in you. I live through you. You love because I love."

(Then my inner self asks) "Shelly, who do you love?"

"Specifically? I love Gabe and Jacob unconditionally and they love me back unconditionally. I love my parents even if they annoy me sometimes. They love me unconditionally. I love Breann and her family. Mary and her family. All of the McCanns, The Richs, Mark, Tim, Davey, Davey's mom. (Now the tears) I love those who make me smile, everyone that i know I can call and they would think about me and my family." Now all the tears.

"They love you because you love them with my love. You are loved. I love you."

And then he did it. He literally opened my heart and took out the hate that I felt for myself. And now I can begin the process of building a relationship with myself. I can love you again. I can smile and mean every bit of it. There is no pity or anguish here. Only love. I love you.

I love you. With tears and dribble from my snotty stuffed up nose, I LOVE YOU with all of God's love. Now cry with a new heart.

My book selection

I need to start with a clean slate. I searched the Boarders for The Torah. It is impossible to find this Old Testament in a very Christian environment. SO, I found The New Jerusalem Bible. This bible is translated from the Original Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek texts. It puts inserted words in brackets and roughly translated words in parenthesis. This is reassuring to me and I feel that i would get the truest translation from this bible vs. The King James or New Women's Bible. I also have bought the Complete Dead Sea Scrolls translation because I think this will be interesting to read. It is a wonderful historic document and from the Contents I see that I will be learning about Ancient Community Rules, Prayers and Hymns, Calendars, Histoical and apocalyptic works, Liturture on Wisdom, Bible interpretations, and Bible based apocryphal works. Apocryphal=fiction, fabricated, made-up. Think of these as Parables.

I am going to being tonight by cracking open the Bible and The Illustrated Guide to World Religions. This texts has me starting in the begining with Judaism. I know that Zoroastrianism, was also one of the first religions and I don't know if it'll be covered in this book... we'll see.