The internet really can tell you everything.

Thanks to my beautiful friend Breann, and Google, i was sent to the website Beliefnet.com. Here is searched for Belief-o-matic. This quiz is a series of question that asks what you believe. Based on your answers and your rake of importance for that specific field of question, you are given a summary of religions that most fit your belief system. That being said, i had a surprisingly hard time taking this quiz because there is so much I don't know about what I believe. Reading these questions, I want to think, "Yes, I go to heaven and hell doesn't exist." But God hasn't revealed that to me yet. So, I answered to the best of my ability or, as I see it, I threw a dart in the dark and hoped that I picked correct.

Here is my outcome:

"The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1.	Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.	Unitarian Universalism (99%)
3.	Liberal Quakers (98%)
4.	Baha'i Faith (97%)
5.	Reform Judaism (97%)
6.	New Age (87%)
7.	Sikhism (84%)
8.	Orthodox Judaism (84%)
9.	Hinduism (80%)
10.	Mahayana Buddhism (77%)
11.	Islam (76%)
12.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
13.	Jainism (75%)
14.	Scientology (65%)
15.	New Thought (63%)
16.	Theravada Buddhism (59%)
17.	Orthodox Quaker (54%)
18.	Secular Humanism (49%)
19.	Eastern Orthodox (45%)
20.	Roman Catholic (45%)
21.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (43%)
22.	Seventh Day Adventist (42%)
23.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (41%)
24.	Taoism (39%)
25.	Nontheist (27%)
26.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (26%)
	Jehovah's Witness (26%)" I don't know what to take away from this except, I'm not Mormon or Jehovah's witness but I could have told you that before. Basically, I can tell you, If the religion tells me that i have to believe that Jesus is my Savior, I out.

Telephone and retelling a bad joke

I never had a quest for God, a higher Devine. There is no question about it. There exists a higher power! The creator of the molecule that caused the Big Bang, the God that talks with people through their own psyche. As of last night, my quest for a religion has changed. Last night, I came to the full realization that the Bible is a book of other people's account with God. Here's the problem. In our limited understanding of God, us humans have tried to come up with a definition of him. We read the bible and take these accounts as how it really happened! Well guess what, They aren't even close to what happened. What happened when Abraham talked with God was more powerful and soul crushing than those words that we can read. It's like retelling a joke and we've all fucked up the punch line. God is more than your box that you put him in and when you label him as Magnificent and Timeless, you limit what he can do for you. God is everything and more. The only word that I have been able to read as of late that truly describes him is "Devine" but that works for ME and might not for you. Because to me devine has a connotation and brings with it a picture in my mind's eye of what I experience with God.

So where am I now? Cleansed!

Where to now? I am still in my search for religion. I have this feeling that each religion has it's own piece to the puzzle. Catholics have the angles and saints. Jews have an all encompassing God. Hindus have Chakras. Buddhists have Meditation. Each of these are important for ME (and maybe only me), to find God, the way he wants to reveal himself to me. So, what has begun as my search for truth about Jesus, has become my experience for God to come to me and tell me, this isn't about him, it's about you and me. The analytical person inside of my mind will still be on a search for religion and Jesus (man or myth) just because I need something to do during Jake's nap times. I want to fill myself with all things faith. I have a thirst for seeking more of the devine. But, don't worry friend, I am not going to be on the street saying Jesus loves you. I'm not going to ask you If you've found Peace with God. When you are ready, he will show you. That is your journey with him. Just as my relationship with him doesn't come from waking up Gabe's soul to talk to me or finding out who Jesus was; one's relationship with the Devine consists of You and That Voice.

On a good note, my Vishuddha is open and my mind is wise.

In another life, we were friends.

Meditation and prayer are powerful things. Hand in hand they can feel like a boa constrictor grabbing onto your spine and then squeezing all of the self hate out of you like a tube of tooth paste.

That is where I was tonight. I am not going to sit here and tell you about my talk with God or him bitch slapping me and bringing me to the brink. I will tell you that, I meditated and forgave everyone in my past for their past but I could not forgive myself. Why was that happening? I was so upset with my "pathetic asshole" self so i read my book. If i could re-title this book, "Shelly at Thirty from three years ago" I would. Well, "Shelly" meditates. She got her answer and talked about it. I skipped her montage about her walk with God because I don't want her's! I want mine. I put the book down, determined to talk with Gabe through meditation. Instead, God answered me:

"Gabe's dreaming. What do you want?"

" I need to forgive myself. I have an ache in my heart and I want to hear Gabe tell me that I'm ok."

"I love you. You know that"

"I know. I know that Gabe loves me and my friends love me but I can't love myself."

" But I love you. I am in you. I live through you. You love because I love."

(Then my inner self asks) "Shelly, who do you love?"

"Specifically? I love Gabe and Jacob unconditionally and they love me back unconditionally. I love my parents even if they annoy me sometimes. They love me unconditionally. I love Breann and her family. Mary and her family. All of the McCanns, The Richs, Mark, Tim, Davey, Davey's mom. (Now the tears) I love those who make me smile, everyone that i know I can call and they would think about me and my family." Now all the tears.

"They love you because you love them with my love. You are loved. I love you."

And then he did it. He literally opened my heart and took out the hate that I felt for myself. And now I can begin the process of building a relationship with myself. I can love you again. I can smile and mean every bit of it. There is no pity or anguish here. Only love. I love you.

I love you. With tears and dribble from my snotty stuffed up nose, I LOVE YOU with all of God's love. Now cry with a new heart.

My book selection

I need to start with a clean slate. I searched the Boarders for The Torah. It is impossible to find this Old Testament in a very Christian environment. SO, I found The New Jerusalem Bible. This bible is translated from the Original Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek texts. It puts inserted words in brackets and roughly translated words in parenthesis. This is reassuring to me and I feel that i would get the truest translation from this bible vs. The King James or New Women's Bible. I also have bought the Complete Dead Sea Scrolls translation because I think this will be interesting to read. It is a wonderful historic document and from the Contents I see that I will be learning about Ancient Community Rules, Prayers and Hymns, Calendars, Histoical and apocalyptic works, Liturture on Wisdom, Bible interpretations, and Bible based apocryphal works. Apocryphal=fiction, fabricated, made-up. Think of these as Parables.

I am going to being tonight by cracking open the Bible and The Illustrated Guide to World Religions. This texts has me starting in the begining with Judaism. I know that Zoroastrianism, was also one of the first religions and I don't know if it'll be covered in this book... we'll see.

The first step of a journey

As of late, I have been reflecting on Religion and how it pertains to me and my family. As a mother, it is my duty to raise my children in my belief but how am I to do this when I am unsure of it myself. Here's what I have so far. I believe in one God, the father almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth. I believe in the angels and saints. I just fall short of believing that Jesus was the Messiah.

Why have I come to this point? I was raised Catholic. Because of this, I have a lot of questions about my faith. At church and CCD (I don't know what that stands for but it's Catechism classes), our faith is told to us, not taught to us. There is no discussion about who was this person or that person and why they are important. In class we were just told the story of Jonah or the story of Paul. Mostly, we were told stories about Jesus. But who the hell is this guy. I have an unsettling feeling that I am putting my faith in a man who was insane and thought God was talking to him. Well, folks, Charlie Manson thought the Beatles were talking to him and he, it turns out, is crazy!

Why do I believe in God? First, Look at the world around you. There are some amazing creations around you: The planet as a working, breathing organism, the majesty of plate tectonics, all facets of life, and (my favorite) the creation and growth of life. The universe is too big to be random. There is too much order. The grand design. Second, I am fascinated with Science and in Physics we learn that energy can not be created or destroyed. So, in that, it is logical to believe that our energy leaves our body in death as a spirit and is transferred to elsewhere. Finally, when i was a young girl, I had a rough childhood. I was taught to pray. One night, in my prayers, I had a vision of my guardian angel. My memory has since faded, but the awe that it inspired that day, is still with me. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a God, with Angels and saints.

So, what do I want to know? I want to know who Jesus was. I want to know if he was the Son of God or a Son of Man. I want to figure out which path to God is mine. I feel in my heart that I should be Jewish. From my limited understanding of this faith i think it is in line with what i know so far. But, I want to really know.

Where am I starting? This was a tough choice. I could just go to different churches, monasteries, and temples and ask around. But, that seems like I'm taking the word of someone else and giving up on fact. I want more than words or five individual accounts of five religions. So, here is my starting point: The Bible, The Complete Dead Sea Scrolls in English, The Universe in a Single Atom by the Dalai Lama and The illustrated Guide to World Religions. Over the next few days while I stair climb at the gym and while Jake takes his naps, I am going to be reading these works to find out more. I invite you to come on this journey with me. As i come to forks in my quest, to questions that I have, and to truths that are revealed, I invite you to talk with me about it. I do ask, if you have found your own path, with or without Jesus, with or without God, with or without Science, please don't get offensive or be offended.