In another life, we were friends.

Meditation and prayer are powerful things. Hand in hand they can feel like a boa constrictor grabbing onto your spine and then squeezing all of the self hate out of you like a tube of tooth paste.

That is where I was tonight. I am not going to sit here and tell you about my talk with God or him bitch slapping me and bringing me to the brink. I will tell you that, I meditated and forgave everyone in my past for their past but I could not forgive myself. Why was that happening? I was so upset with my "pathetic asshole" self so i read my book. If i could re-title this book, "Shelly at Thirty from three years ago" I would. Well, "Shelly" meditates. She got her answer and talked about it. I skipped her montage about her walk with God because I don't want her's! I want mine. I put the book down, determined to talk with Gabe through meditation. Instead, God answered me:

"Gabe's dreaming. What do you want?"

" I need to forgive myself. I have an ache in my heart and I want to hear Gabe tell me that I'm ok."

"I love you. You know that"

"I know. I know that Gabe loves me and my friends love me but I can't love myself."

" But I love you. I am in you. I live through you. You love because I love."

(Then my inner self asks) "Shelly, who do you love?"

"Specifically? I love Gabe and Jacob unconditionally and they love me back unconditionally. I love my parents even if they annoy me sometimes. They love me unconditionally. I love Breann and her family. Mary and her family. All of the McCanns, The Richs, Mark, Tim, Davey, Davey's mom. (Now the tears) I love those who make me smile, everyone that i know I can call and they would think about me and my family." Now all the tears.

"They love you because you love them with my love. You are loved. I love you."

And then he did it. He literally opened my heart and took out the hate that I felt for myself. And now I can begin the process of building a relationship with myself. I can love you again. I can smile and mean every bit of it. There is no pity or anguish here. Only love. I love you.

I love you. With tears and dribble from my snotty stuffed up nose, I LOVE YOU with all of God's love. Now cry with a new heart.